Eat, Drink & Be Merry

You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I ever wanted in a friend.

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I'm sorry for what I said when I was hungry.

Today's Goal: Keep the tiny humans alive

If found in microwave, please return to Mom

One glass of wine away from telling everyone what I really think.

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How do I like my eggs? Umm, in a cake.

One martini, two martini, three martini, Floor!

I won't be remembered as a woman who kept her mouth shut. I'm OK with that.

The only reason I have a kitchen is because it came with the house.

I drink bourbon because I don't like to keep things bottled up.

Underestimate me. That will be fun.

Enjoy the gift of this ordinary day.

Drinking rum before noon makes you a pirate, not an alcoholic.

I'll have a cafe-mocha-vodka-valium-latte to go, please.

Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.

I never said I would die without coffee. I said other people would.

Have kids they said. It will be fun they said.

I've lost my mind. I'm pretty sure the kids took it.

I'm having fruit salad for dinner. Well, it's mostly grapes actually. Ok, all grapes. Fermented grapes. I'm having wine for diner.

The good thing about water is that you can have it in your workplace. Now, what's special about vodka is that it looks like water.

Everyone thinks that a girl's dream is to find the perfect guy. PLEASE... Every girl's dream is to eat without getting fat.

Some days its nice to just relax and have a cocktail and then, other days it's nice to just relax and have a cocktail.

They say moms placed in a life or death situations with their children develop superhuman strength. Last night during a tantrum, I uncorked a bottle of wine with my teeth.

My dream job would be driving the karma bus.

I'm not saying I am Wonder Woman. I'm saying no one has ever seen me and Wonder Woman in the same room.

She believed she could, so she did

We are only as strong as the girlfriends we have.

I'm not bossy. I just know what you should be doing.

Dear Liver, It is going to be a rough month... STAY STRONG.

Bacon (noun) The reason I am not a vegetarian.